Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.