“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
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My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.