“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
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Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs