Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
okay run it by me one more time
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty