walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby