all i did was tell my dad i鈥檓 anaemic 馃槶馃槶
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I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
what if everything鈥檚 a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Important Valentine鈥檚 Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they鈥檙e under three, melee weapons only!
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we鈥檙e out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT鈥橲 2AM!
The flight attendant asked if I鈥檇 like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Oh, you鈥檙e Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Son: I don鈥檛 like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I鈥檝e been buying men鈥檚 hoodies for years for myself. It鈥檚 all about skipping the middle man.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 馃檪