[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
You Might Also Like
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Home #decor warning.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
every. time.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross