Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I have written yet another poem about laundry
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Barbie gone wild
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
This was the best day of my life
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!