ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
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I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.