Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
You Might Also Like
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“What movie?” 🤔
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children