CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
You Might Also Like
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Any refunds available?…
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together