Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..