Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
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A flock of dads is called a grill.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Don’t snitch tag.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.