kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*