I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.