Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
you know what ruined my childhood? children
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance