My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
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me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.