You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?