How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
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This pepper has seen some shit
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.