Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you