The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.