When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.