Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels