Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.