I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
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I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.