So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass