as is their right
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Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot