Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?