I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand