*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
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All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit