Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
nobody’s gonna understand
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO