*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!