Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
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Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Sharon I have some bad news
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Help Wanted
When your man makes a valid point
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun