I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS