CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
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I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
<- sleeps well with others
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?