I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
You Might Also Like
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Smile they said.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?