me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
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When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.