There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Duck typos.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.