You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
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I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I put the mess in domestic.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was