Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
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When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.