Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
You Might Also Like
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end