I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
A great tip. #CakeRex
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Tony Hawk, age 6
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.