My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
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I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”