CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.