Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.