Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
#inspiration #foodforthought
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Natural selection at its finest
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all