Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors