whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
BaD BoY!!
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.