FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
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Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!