If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
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I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
This is the one
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”